A 2007 editorial on parents and the elite youth game.
The sun is out, highlighting the color of the emerald grass; the uniforms are clean and sharp; the field is awash in healthy, talented children living privileged lives--what could be better than a day at a youth soccer game, especially when it’s your own progeny out there doing something challenging and productive?
But what happens when the sun goes down, the grass dries up, and it’s just not fun anymore? We may think about that question in regard to the children, and maybe for the coaches - but what about for the the parents?
There’s a lot of discussion, backed up by statistics, about the drop-off rate of young players who quit the game. But could it be that parents, too, burn out? Could it be that what was once a pleasure turns to dread manifest in incessant car rides, absentee meals, the task of dragging along non-playing siblings, and bad
coffee at the tournament refreshment booth?
Few parents or coaches willingly admit it while involved, but speak with those whose children are done playing youth soccer (aged out or dropped out), and more than a few of will express utter relief that it’s over. Some can’t even muster the enthusiasm to exhibit a fraction of the involvement to go through it again with a
younger child who plays.
What turns youth soccer from an enjoyable family outing where, win or lose, there is always something to gain, whether it’s a trophy, or a life lesson — into a gut-wrenching chore that ends in headaches or silent family car rides home? The people who’ve been around the sport for years have their opinions, which are remarkably similar. Philippe Blin has been in the trenches, so to speak, for 22 years. He is the Technical Director of the Pleasanton Rage, the second largest club in Northern California with 2,500 players.
By far,the number-one reason for parent burnout, said Blin, is unrealistic expectations.
“Parents think simply by stepping up to a top club, in which other players have had success, their player will get into ODP, a youth national team, and especially, get offers of a college scholarship,” he said.
Charlotte Moran, Region 1 girls ODP administrator sums up the stress this way, “Parents trying to live their lives through their kids puts them under as much pressure as the kids.” Like Blin, she cites unrealistic expectations as the source of parent burn out, and it starts early. “I have parents who want to know about premier teams for their 9-year-old. I’d be burned out too. Besides, no one is a premier player at 9.”
Another important factor, of course, is money.
With the advent of professional coaching, and general youth sports fees (not to mention the rising gasoline costs), children’s sports have become a significant investment. Proof is the soccer dad, who in casual tournament conversation mentioned that he had calculated expenditures on his son over the years of $170,000. Without the slightest hint of embarrassment or irony, he added that he wanted a return on his investment.
Blin says the problem affects his club coaches as well.
“They’re definitely more sensitive to issues such as having overboard parents. I think they are scared," he said. "The younger coaches in particular are afraid to demand from their athletes—such as to do more fitness. They’re worried the kids will go home and tell mom and dad. The coaches don’t want confrontation.”
The expectations of parents can clash with reality, and this can either lead to acceptance or an increase in mental and emotional energy expended to "make things right." It is the group choosing the latter option that tend to become very prominent on matchday sidelines and within team and club political circles. This sort of intensity is difficult to maintain over an extended period of time.
But simple solutions, such as parents' staying away, are also often not plausible.
“I can’t ask the parents not to show up,” says Blin, but in cases where the parents are causing trouble, he has a meeting and asks them to back off. “Some choose not to show up anymore, however, because they have pushed their daughter, and she is pushing back," he added.
When the expectations are high, the pressure builds. Then, the game becomes more like a career (or an investment in the stock market) than recreation. Burnout comes when it’s no longer fun.
“The beauty of soccer to me is that it’s a game for all levels of player. There’s something for everyone, as long as parents realize that not every kid is going to be Mia Hamm or Claudio Reyna,” Moran said.
The answer to the problem comes immediately from Philippe Blin, yet most parents would be too proud to admit they need a classroom. “My suggestion is always the same,” he says. “Education. Parents don’t know the game.” That, say both Blin and Moran, is often the source of their unrealistic expectations. It is also the source of poor advice and inappropriate attempts to coach their children from the sidelines.
Concludes Moran, “They don’t give their kids the right advice, and then if they don’t make a team or succeed, the parents blame it on someone else, or politics.”
And compounding the problem may be volunteer parent coaches, who although they mean well, likely have limited experience with the game. It will probably be at least another ten years before a significant number of parent coaches begin to come from the ranks of those who played soccer, Blin said.
Even for parents who don’t feel they place unrealistic expectations or pressure on their children, or themselves, the game can lose its luster. Any routine can become tiring. Charlotte Moran says the way to avoid this is to back off— stop doing everything for their players. She holds a meeting with ODP parents,
where she reminds them that their mission should be to make their children increasingly independent.
“The players should pack their own bag, remember their shoes, soccer ball, water bottle, uniform,” she said.
Moran tries to get parents to teach children to act for themselves, in every possible situation. “When a parent comes up to me at registration and gives his or her child’s name, I answer, “I don’t think so; 'you aren’t Susie.' I want Susie to register herself.”
Burnout can also come from not enough carpooling or being at too many other team activities instead of sharing the load. Mom or dad don’t have to see every training, or even every game. Maybe doing less will alleviate the problem, and at the same time, it is one of the most effective ways to teach that type of independence. This is the type of independence that separates the successful from the emotionally risky, which Moran sees every year at ODP camp. This can be evident by observing the players' ability to adapt and thrive, or crumble, while away from home at these camps.
There is no magic formula for this, but parents should be vigilant to ensure that the involvement they have in their children's soccer careers remains positive, with an occasional reminder that if you are not enjoying yourself on a day-to-day basis in the soccer world, your child probably isn't either.
