Written by Jahmal Corner

When Alex Morgan invites you over you accept. Period. I don’t care if her (childhood) place is in Diamond Bar, California, and she walks around talking about baby pictures and tadpoles – you go along for the ride and you enjoy it.

U.S. Soccer released this seven-minute video that finds Alex giving us a quick tour of her childhood home and revealing her crush on “The King.” No, not you LeBron (cut to LeBron drooping his head) … but Elvis Presley.

Not sure what she sees in him exactly – you know, outside of him being an unparalleled icon and all – but whatev.

 

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Written by Jahmal Corner

There are a couple ways we can look at this:

1. How awesome would it be to have your own cheering section that would lose its mind every time you pulled off a basic task? Ohhhhhh flush that toilet, flush, flush, flush, YEAAAAAAAHHHH!

2. What’s the most bored you’ve ever been? I once took a girl to see a foreign film about ant migration. There was no dialogue and even the silence was in subtitles. About 45 minutes in I jumped up and starting screaming Show me the Money! The boredom completely broke me. But camping out in a parking lot with a group of friends and cheering cars … I think that’s worse.

 

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Written by Jahmal Corner

You know who should be required to review this video? San Jose Earthquakes mascot Q. You know, the one who got punked off the field by David Beckham a couple weeks ago.

That would have never happened to the Norfolk Tides minor league mascot, RipTide. This guy is an animal! (Or, a creature anyway). Not many mascots could flip an ATV, eat dirt, then jump up like they landed in the ball pit at Chuck E Cheese.

I’m impressed. If a mascot street fight ever breaks out and I’m caught in the middle I want RipTide in my corner (I want him on foot though … clearly, he’s not too steady behind the wheel).

 

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Written by Jahmal Corner

Michael Bradley, formerly known as the coach’s son on the U.S. Men’s National Team, continues to prove that he’s one of the best American players abroad.

Over the weekend, Bradley continued to climb the ladder in Italy, as he was sold from Chievo Verona to AS Roma. His new club’s videographers were on hand – and thank goodness they were, because otherwise the whole thing wouldn’t have been documented to the soundtrack of Italian electro music.

If you aren’t dancing to this then you aren’t alive my friend. This is Planet Funk jamming a record I like to call “On the Other Side” (which is also what the band calls it – what are the odds?).

The record couldn’t be more fitting. Bradley is an American player who has risen to soccer prestige and reached “The Other Side” … hmm … ok, I went way too far with that. Let’s start over.

 

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Written by Jahmal Corner

Few All Star Games in pro sports can match what MLS provides.

While the exhibition spectacles are hardly ever very exciting, the MLS model of bringing over a European opponent has proven its usefulness in recent times.

We wish we can say the same about the actual MLS All Star squads. Over the past two years, Man U has smacked around MLS by a combined score of 9-2.

This year, the reigning European club champions Chelsea are coming to PPL Park on July 25 to take on embarrass some of the best MLS has to offer.

Over the weekend, the 18-man roster sacrificial lambs were rounded out by head coach Ben Olsen (D.C. United head coach).

Check out the players after the jump – there are a lot of names you’ll recognize. Yeah, for us the roster is a who’s who. For Chelsea, it’s more of a … uh, who’s he?

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Written by Jahmal Corner

Spencer Owen is best known for his poetic YouTube essays on the Euro Tournament and EPL, but you can add standup comedian and editor of footballpreacher.com to the Englishman’s resume. His most important feat, though, is becoming the latest 91st Minute interview subject (congrats, Spence).

Here are 10 things you must know about Spencer Owen:

 

1. Like all great poets, he started off as a rapper.

“I’ve never really considered myself a ‘poet’. The closest I’ve come in the past is rapping with my brother who is a musician. Only recently (did I start writing poetry) and I’m enjoying going down the football poetry route. I’ve always been a massive football fan.”

 

2. YouTube loves this guy.

Uploading something to YouTube is like going before a firing squad. The user comments can be hardcore. But Spencer’s work has been universally praised. How?

“I’ve been amazed by the reception they’ve had. Some of my favorite sites and blogs have been posting the videos and pretty much all the comments have been positive which is rare for me, and YouTube in general!”

 

3. He can sum up Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes in four sentences.

Holmes and Cruise

It was doomed from the start

Scientologists washed his brain

But Katie lost his heart

 

4. He’s inspired by Bob Dylan, and … Dr. Seuss?

“I’ve always been a massive Bob Dylan fan. His songwriting is second to none and he often wrote poems too. His poetic tribute to his hero Woody Guthrie is incredible, it’s called Last Thoughts on Woody Guthrie. And to be honest, Dr. Seuss’ Oh The Places You’ll Go is pretty amazing.

 

5. He can bang out a YouTube piece in two hours.

I write the poems fairly quickly. I try to get them out as soon as possible after the event finishes. It’s the editing and recording that takes the longest.

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Written by Jahmal Corner

David Beckham returned from his suspension in style Saturday with a pair of goals that should silence critics and mascots alike for at least … eh, a couple hours.

If you remember, Becks was put on punishment by the MLS for his little outburst and banished to England to suffer through a life of luxury and tennis.

He came back with a vengeance. Vintage goals by Beckham. Say what you want, but this guy plays better when he’s mad.

 

 

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Written by Jahmal Corner

First off, I’m scared.  After this post we are probably going to get hacked.  So, if you get an email from TDS/91st Minute asking you for money to rescue us from Nigeria…delete that ish.

Also, if you don’t think you can be hacked, you are wrong.  Thousands of basement dwelling nerds are trying to hack TDS every day, and I don’t know how much longer the spell we’ve cast around our server (with no-erasies) can keep them at bay.

Van Persie obviously didn’t read my text about the spell, because his site got hacked up yesterday by a 4th grader.  How do I know it’s a fourth grader? Just read the note they left.

1) Bad Grammar: “All your base are belong to me!”  Not sure what they were going for (translation?), but that has 4th grade grammar written all over it.

2) Smiley faces:  Commonly used by children.

3) Using alternating letter sizes (HodLuM): Yep, I did this in 4th grade and thought I was that coolest person alive. Back when I had AOL and my screen name was SbOaRder82.

I’m sure the hackers will get the last laugh.  Good chance, by the time you read
this, our new URL is ToPdrAweRSocCer.fart and the homepage looks like the Matrix.

 

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Written by Jahmal Corner

Justin Bieber really, really, really, wants (Spice Girl reference, just keep reading) to form a celebrity soccer team in the City of Angels. And who does he want to coach? David Beckham, of course.

So far he’s listed the One Direction guys as possible team members as well as Lil Bow Bow (doesn’t he just go by Bow Wow now?…and when did he release his last song,? Hmmm….)

Anyway, can you imagine the goal celebrations? They would all break into song and choreographed dance and then Bow Wow would emerge with a cameo verse. It would be epic. And maybe Posh and her Spice Girl friends would perform at halftime as Beibs and his celebrity friends chow down on gourmet orange slices.

When asked about his girlfriend Selena Gomez, Bieber said “I was going to ask my girl Selena and Victoria (Beckham) if they wanted to be cheerleaders for us.”

Hey Biebs, Posh is probably better than you. She is British, after all.

 

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Written by Jahmal Corner

Guy wins a championship and he can do whatever he wants, I guess. LeBron James went random on us by designing his newest shoe after famous golfer Arnold Palmer – you know, since basketball and golf are like interchangeable.

So in honor of the new LeBronold Palmer 9 lows (I can’t believe I just typed that), we’ve created our own line of shoes by combining soccer players with athletes (and entertainers) that don’t really make sense. Here we go:

 

1. Cristiano Ronaldo and bowler Pete Weber. THIS Pete Weber.

Shoe Design: The “Cris Weber’s” will be extra flashy and contain a recorded message that says “I AM!!!!”

 

2. Tim Howard and boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr.

Shoe Design: The “Howard The Duck” (get it – “duck!”) design will be clean cut but also extravagant enough to wear when you feel like making it rain.

 

3. Robin Van Persie and actor Jean Claude Van Damme

Shoe Design: Your basic “Vans,” only built for deadly striking and drop kicks.

 

 

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