Manchester United sidestepped the ignominy of the Europa League by smashing Club Brugge 4-0 on Wednesday to earn a spot in the group stage of the 2015-16 Champions League. Bully for you, massive club with hundreds of millions of fans and an endless transfer kitty and a massive stadium and vigorous home support and lovable homegrown players like Memphis Depay and Bastian Schweinsteiger. Everyone loves rooting for the upstarts.
Wayne Rooney, who you might’ve thought was actually a shepherd’s pie, scored a hat trick to prove that he is, in fact, a human and very much alive. To prove this (as we must), I have all three goals for you, right here.
That’s one spicy meat-a-ball (rimshot).