Written by Will Parchman

Can anyone beat this? We’re down to four Champions League sides now, with Chelsea-Atletico Madrid and Real Madrid-Bayern left to duke it out for CL supremacy. Fun stuff.

But Did You Know: The fastest Champions League goal of all time belongs to Roy Makaay, who scored for Bayern (!) against Real Madrid (!!) in 10 seconds (!!!) on March 7, 2007. Let’s hope (maybe?) for a repeat in the semis. Wait. Are we supposed to root for one of these teams? Sounds dangerous. On second thought, let’s not do that.

In four words, that Makaay goal was…

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Written by Will Parchman

baaaaaa

So, uh, Jose Mourinho, eh?

Two years ago, Chelsea somehow got past Napoli in the Champions League after losing 3-1 away in the first leg. The second leg came back to Stamford Bridge and Chelsea smashed a defensive Napoli 4-1 to streak into the semis. They got the winner from this Branislav Ivanovic goal you see here. Hysterics. A month later Chelsea won the Champions League.

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Written by Will Parchman

This goal defies physics, but then that’s Hulk. Can someone remind me why he plays in Russia again?

 

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Written by Will Parchman

Chelsea hosts Galatasaray today in the Champions League. In advance of the game, somebody gave a lion, apparently called Aslan after the Chronicles of Narnia(!), a Chelsea jersey. Predictably it tears at it for awhile before realizing it’s cloth and, you know, lions don’t eat cloth.

This comes on the heels of two Chelsea fans being stabbed in Istanbul as well as this guy who responded to Chelsea fans on Twitter with a little love nod. With a gun.

gun

 

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Written by Will Parchman

When Arjen Robben pulls on that tight jersey, which wraps around his body like cellophane, you’re guaranteed two things every time: he cuts inside to his left and he hits the deck easily. Both things happened on Tuesday.

Bayern coasted past Arsenal in a 1-1 result Tuesday that wasn’t nearly indicative of Bayern’s dominance. Arsenal chased the game all night and only salvaged a cosmetic 1-1 draw once the tie was already in the bank.

But this here is something Arsenal can take back to London. Lukasz Fabby Handsky (that’s it, right?) pushes away a penalty take and then knocks it off the line before it has a chance to spin inside. Cosmic justice? We’ll go with that.

 

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Written by Will Parchman

Toni Kroos Bayern Munich

This figure speaks for itself.

The mitigating factors here bring this back to life, somewhat. Kroos of course was not operating in a closed system. He had help. With Robben bombing down the right, Thiago providing calm, assured assistance and his back line upright as it gets, Kroos’ support system was (and is consistently) the best in the world at present.

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Written by Travis Clark

No Messi? No problem for Neymar and Barcelona on Wednesday.

The Brazilian starlet led Barca to a 6-1 shellacking of Celtic in a Champions League group stage match, scoring a hat trick and adding an assist in the victory.

The Spanish side finished atop Group H, as they’ll await the Champions League draw on Monday to find out their fate.
 

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Written by Will Parchman

If you’re looking for a “goal of the Champions League group stage,” you could do a lot worse than Mario Goetze’s effort in a breezy win over CSKA Moscow on Wednesday. Thunderbastards are all well and good, but slaloming runs like these are infinitely more impressive. Bonus points for Goetze not being injured on the run. That’s something.

Here’s the video.

 

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Written by Will Parchman

An Aaron Ramsey goal secured the full three points for Arsenal in the second meeting between the Gooners and Borussia Dortmund in the Champions League on Wednesday. This here is a before and after look at the supporter’s section as Ramsey’s goal went in. Ugh.

I’d love this gif more if it didn’t look like a bunch of sad puppies watching their mother being hauled away.

 

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Written by Will Parchman

celtic

Barcelona’s Champions League visit to Glasgow was a relatively easy walkover, a 1-0 win that wasn’t even that close. Celtic’s Scott Brown saw red for kicking Neymar (ah the joy) in the second half to make Barca’s three points even more simple than it otherwise would’ve been.

But at least those plucky Scots made it fun for themselves. In addition to that tifo up there (which I think Portland and Seattle could out-do, but that’s neither here nor there) they belted out this pregame version of YNWA, which was beautiful and probably necessary to convince themselves the next 90 minutes weren’t going to be that painful.

Oh well. At least Samaras still runs funny.

 

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