Written by Will Parchman

It’s still amazing to me that these work, but the world is a maelstrom of strange, so here we are. This British gent dressed up like Cristiano Ronaldo in the tradition of men who do such things, and got a number, nearly got into a fight with a child and did some other things.

Take a dash of cringe, mix it with the funny, splash in British humo(u)r and here we are. What the world really needs is fake Emile Heskey picking up girls by kicking them in the face with errant free kicks.

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Written by Will Parchman

Poor Maurice Edu. The defensive midfielder made the 30-man roster, and now he’s just fighting for a spot on a team choked with high quality holding midfielders. Do a wide canvas on his chances of making the 23, and you’d probably find about a 50/50 split in opinion.

He’s currently in California training with the rest of the available 30, and some kind soul asked Edu about the prospect of man marking Cristiano Ronaldo. You know. Tactics 101. Put your fourth-best defensive midfielder on one of the fastest, most technically able players in the history of the game, and force him to shadow the guy for 90 minutes. You know. Tactics.

Edu answers coyly instead of rearing back and breathing fire on the reporter. Edu one-on-one with Ronaldo is… before that mental picture has a chance to come together, let’s simply move on, shall we?

 

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Written by Will Parchman

For the first time in a half decade, Leo Messi is not the best player in the world as chosen by FIFA. That title belongs to Cristiano Ronaldo, who cried his way on stage to accept the award and then pranced his way off it to accept the cries, adoration and Colossus-sized statues sure to be built by the loving throng of billions.

That’s the way it is in his head, anyway. Twenty bucks that he’s in a techno club washed with horrible neon light right now. It doesn’t matter when you’re reading this. Right now still applies.

 

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Written by Will Parchman

Everybody has that one friend who’s taken an obnoxious stance on either Messi over Ronaldo or vice versa. And if he hasn’t chosen Messi, it’s all the more obnoxious (did I just become that guy? Never mind).

Anyway, this graphic lays down how ridiculously even the two have been over all club competitions since 2009. Messi’s taken less penalties, meaning he’s scored more in the run of play, but Ronaldo has a clear edge in free kicks, which won’t surprise anyone.

Moral of the story is you can’t lose with either. Unless you chose Ronaldo. And then you lose. Sorry. Did it again.

 

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Written by Will Parchman

This is all you need.

The game that started as a battle between Sweden and Portugal for a spot in the World Cup has become an interminable match of wits between Zlatan and Ronaldo, two of the most self-aggrandizing, wonderfully conceited soccer players in the world. They’re also incredible and are two of the top five talents in the world right now. Maybe even two of the top three.

So we’ve got a compilation of back heel goals and a video of the two squaring off via Cantona in a video from three (!) years ago. This storm was always coming, guys. Now that it’s here, enjoy the ride.

 

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Written by Will Parchman

Nike released its new Mercurial Vapor IX’s on Monday. They’ve been painted over with a galactic design that oh I’m sorry I just lost track of time gazing into the Milky Way on your feet. What were you saying?

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Written by Will Parchman

After he scored twice against Getafe on Sunday, CR7 became the quickest player to 150 La Liga goals ever (sorry Messi and YOU CAN TAKE A NAP OVER THERE GARETH) and he’s now scored more goals against Getafe than any other team in La Liga at 13. So there’s that.

And here’s this, a video of his top five back-heel goals of all time. That Rayo goal though. And apologies for the horrible music, but you have to expect goals montage + Ronaldo = trashy EuroPop, don’t you? Ronaldo was born to this music. When he’s running low on energy he hooks himself up to an Avicii IV and he’s good to go again.

 

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Written by Will Parchman

Real Madrid smashed Turkish side Galatasaray 6-1 on the first day of the Champions League’s glorious return to our living rooms. Gareth Bale started the game on the bench and played the final 26 minutes, which allowed him to watch Ronaldo score a hat trick. And bag goals like this.

You can’t fool me with your fake hugs, guys (and why is Gareth Bale always pantomiming gritting his teeth, even though they don’t touch? Is this like a gorilla doing a really awful job of intimidating his rival?). A BREAKING NEWS source told me Bale has fashioned a voodoo altar for Ronaldo in his bedroom, replete with some of Ronaldo’s hair gel, a compact mirror and one of his calf muscles. Don’t dispute my sources. Ironclad.

 

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Written by Will Parchman

It’s not easy being the new guy. It’s kind of expected that, when confronted with this new challenger to his throne in Madrid, Cristiano Ronaldo would respond with a dizzying blizzard of moisturized fists and manicured nails and hair products and balled up electric green hot pants that can hurt really really bad if the metal button part hits your knuckle.

So it’s fun to see Bale respond to a rugged challenge in an innocuous keep-away training game by nutmegging Ronaldo seconds later. CR7 has his pomade and eye shadow. Bale has his army of pink clothes. This is the greatest cat fight of all time.

 

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Written by Will Parchman

This is a simple game. But a fun game. Two men enter the cage. One leaves.

RONALDINHO

VS. CRISTIANO RONALDO

You’re allowed to vote for Ronaldinho’s, but you’re also allowed to be wrong. Which one? Pick a side.

Which free kick was better? Ronaldo or Ronaldinho?

View Results

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