Written by Will Parchman

Mario-Balotelli-nice

Mario Balotelli, the misunderstood genius who once used his bathroom as £400,000 launchpad for fireworks, hasn’t been relevant for a couple years now. An entire species of dinosaur lived out its collective lifespan in between cataclysms since Balotelli was A Thing during Manchester City’s initial spasm of splash buys around 2010-2011.

Since then, Balotelli’s been relatively successful for AC Milan (26 goals in 43 games) and not so much for Liverpool (1 goal in 16 games) before joining Nice on a free transfer at this summer’s transfer deadline.

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Written by Will Parchman

telli

Mario Balotelli is unhappy again.

Liverpool crashed out of the Europa League knockouts last week with a thudding loss to Besiktas in Turkey. Dejan Lovren rifled the decisive penalty over the bar, and the Reds went marching home, hat in hand.

In the midst of the fray, Mario Balotelli resembled a giraffe on stilts. Unsure of himself and on a booking, Brendan Rodgers opted to sub off Balotelli in the second half. Consider that Balotelli is maybe the best penalty taker in world soccer right now (and that he made the winner against Besiktas in the first leg), and you can imagine Balotelli’s disdain as he clopped off the field. This, in fact, is what the Italian thought of the decision.

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Written by Will Parchman

Mario Balotelli is a Puma player, and Puma thought it’d be a good idea to have the Italian striker interview himself. So… he interviews himself. He smiles, calls himself the best, most attractive, quickest player on the Italian team and then goes back to being one person.

As a side note, how much of a little contrarian must’ve a 15-year-old Balotelli been? The image of Balotelli and his buddies doing *whatever* in a crowded square in Brescia in 2006 is one of life’s little joys. A small bleached blonde mohawk bobbing up and down in a crowd just being odd.

 

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Written by Will Parchman

Ever wanted to know which of these three can kick a penalty harder? How about off a volley? And what about accuracy?

The answer: BALOTELLI IS YOUR KING. Holy hell, he destroyed this thing.

 

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Written by Will Parchman

Super Mario is famously unconventional for things like having a giant MB waterfall emplacement in his house and having an incomprehensible leaping lion statue with an arrow skewering its back. He’s great theater, but you get the sense nobody really knows what to do with him.

And then there’s this. Balotelli warming up in the tunnel at halftime of a recent game. Utterly alone, his solemn thoughts echoing off the vast, un-peopled canyons of AC Milan’s inner sanctum. It’s sad. It’s also kind of funny. But therein lies Balotelli’s career, an out-of-control locomotive careening toward destruction but OH HEY Patton Oswalt’s telling jokes over in Car Four, let’s go check it out before we crash.

 

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Written by Reshad Bahadori

h/t /r/soccer

Can’t Dutch this.

CDT

Why is Tevez wearing the captain’s band?

Rio

See all 5 after the jump.

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Written by Will Parchman

mariobalotellinightout20120813_576x324

Look, we all have a pinch of the Balotelli Madness, an infectious virus that burrows into its host via YouTube, primarily. Much like a raging dumpster fire, Balotelli’s antics can’t sustain themselves without oxygen, attention and an incredible amount of Italian swagsauce. They sell that at most major Milanese nightclubs now, I’m told.

Let’s just be real – Balotelli is an interesting cat. So to satiate your raging case of Balotelli, we’ve got you covered with a video dump. Pay special attention to the video where he’s serenading Pirlo, whose beard is moved to tears. He dunks! He plays piano! He sets houses on fire! If Superman was a degenerate and amazing at soccer, he’d be Balotelli.

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Written by Will Parchman

You need to know Tiziano Crudeli, The Shouter of the Age. A 69-year-old AC Milan press officer and hilariously hyperbolic TV presenter, Crudeli here is responding to Balotelli’s winner in Italy’s 2-1 win over Mexico in the Confed Cup over the weekend.

Well, yeah, you could say he responded. You could also say he Vesuvius’d. Yeah. He Vesuvius’d.

 

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Written by Marc Saake

Balotelli

With the start of the Confederations Cup on the horizon, Italian teammates Mario Balotelli and Stephen El Shaarawy took to town with their aviators, rosary necklaces and, of course, their mohawks.

Although Balotelli may be concealing his bleached ‘crown’, we can see the youngsters influence on his teammates…Is every young, up-and-coming Italian player required to sport a personalized Mohawk? Or, is this just two good buddies who’ve taken a fancy to the same stylist?

 

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Written by The 91st

Drake

Well, at least we know Drake doesn’t agree with Usain Bolt’s opinion of Balotelli. Drake is actually a fan. He’s also rich. That’s all we can make of this Instagram photo which shows the rapper living the good life and repping soccer. His hashtag included #ShouldHaveBeenASoccerPlayer

No, Drake. I think you chose alright, bud.

 

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