Every MLS city is defined by its food. Why, you ask? Because everything is defined by food. So what if we took the top Yelp-rated restaurants in every MLS city, mashed them together and related it back to the hometown club? What you end up with is the best, most objective measure of a team’s identity known to man.
I mean, you don’t really get that at all. But you kind of do. Just follow me.
This highly scientific ranking, cooked up (FUN WITH PUNS) by some of the nation’s top think tanks, are based on how well (or poorly) each institution is reflected by the city’s best restaurants. And how good the food looks. And if none of that fits it’s not really based on anything. Food. Soccer.
TO THE RANKINGS.
20. Colorado Rapids (Commerce City, Colorado)
Top joints: 1. The Butcher Block Cafe, 2. El Jardin, 3. The Bison Grill
Ah, the ‘burbs. Where large corporations stash factories on cheap land to prop up their absurdly overstuffed bottom lines. Commerce City has an oil refinery. Its No. 1 restaurant is also a greasy spoon, which perfectly encapsulates the Rapids. A subdued atmosphere and product with a couple good, young cooks being hampered by management’s reluctance to embrace change and pour money into the restaurant. They’ll leave eventually because the kitchen isn’t ventilated and the owner stops by every now and then to administer his Tuesday face slaps with his rhinestone-studded white glove. But ENJOY ‘EM WHILE THEY’RE HERE, CIUDAD DE COMMERCE. Can… I perhaps get my Sloppy Joe to go? Thanks. It smells like rat farts in here.