Written by Will Parchman

rslol fukc

 

In advance of the Dec. 7 MLS Cup between Sporting Kansas City and Real Salt Lake, we’ve got a full-blown T-shirt war on our hands. The FUKC t-shirt came first. In response, KC’s Brisket Bob mocked up a “RSLOL” shirt that poked fun at the common Mormon practice of wearing full-body underwear under their clothes at all times. THE UNDERPANTS GUYS.

So yeah. Let the games begin.

 

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Written by Will Parchman

Real Salt Lake applied the finishing touches to its two-part steamrolling of the Portland Timbers on Sunday night to set an MLS Cup final meeting with Sporting KC. The Timbers couldn’t muster much offense, and the CB pairing of Kah and Futty continued to be a train wreck against RSL.

So there are a lot of upset people in Portland these days. But probably none are more sad than this guy. Watching him try to get through this chant through his racking sobs… no words.

 

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Written by Will Parchman

lebron-liverpool-taking-pictures

With respect to David Beckham, assuming it goes through, this changes everything.

I’ve spoken before on soccer in Florida, that vexing thing that heaves in and out of corrupted lungs like a bipolar track star with a smoking habit. Like much of the rest of the state’s professional sports pantheon, it’ll balloon out to sizable proportions before contracting back in like a retreating army. The Fusion still loom large here.

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Written by Will Parchman

There are still three games left in the MLS season, so we can’t pull the trigger just yet on any overarching awards for a thriller of the season. But in lieu of the improbable (though not impossible) banger of a game between some combination of Portland, RSL, SKC and Houston, we’re left with the regular season’s residue in terms of discussion fodder. (For reference, the exact opposite of the game of the year was whatever happened between SKC and Houston last weekend).

For me, no game touches LA-San Jose from June 29th, when the Goonies erased a 2-0 second half deficit to win 3-2 in stoppage time at Stanford. On 10 men.

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Written by Will Parchman

nagbe

Globally, soccer is a buyer’s game. The escalating big money return-on-investment culture is increasingly rampant in places where moneyed owners buy clubs as status symbols in lieu of generating any substantive revenue stream. For Roman Abramovich, Chelsea is essentially a Rolex, adding some sparkle to his wrist but doing little to nothing to bolster his bank account. That’s what the under-the-table, ethically dubious Russian oil market is for.

If you’re OK with this culture of winner-buy-all, then perhaps this won’t matter much to you. And to be sure, there are pockets globally where it’s less pronounced. But if seeing the little guy repeatedly having his jaw rearranged by Gordon Gekko’s henchmen wears on you, the MLS playoffs are currently providing a fresh gust of wind in a relatively a stale upper atmosphere.

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Written by Will Parchman

gspuirns

Michael Gspurning settled Seattle’s keeper dispute in bizarre fashion on Wednesday.

With the Sounders clinging to a 1-0 lead in their one-off playoff battle against the Rapids at CenturyLink Field, an errant Rapids chip found its way into Gspurning’s path. And he decided to pull a doubleplusstupid, charging out of the box to handle it before extending an arm to Edson Buddle.

Red card. Which meant Marcus Hahnemann, who was thawed out of his ice chamber after most recently starring as Copernicus’ aide in a 1540 experiment on soul patches. Encino Man will be between the sticks for the Timbers in the next round of the playoffs, so get ready for that.

Here’s Gspurning’s explanation. Which is funny.

 

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Written by Will Parchman

terps_0

For a handful of MLS franchises, the playoffs are here. For a few others, the offseason is a time for hard introspection and, in some cases, a difficult and trying coaching search.

Luckily, there are more than a few men’s college coaches lying underneath MLS’ collective nose, rewriting record books and sharpening skills at their respective posts. This is my list for the top MLS-ready head coaches in college soccer, matched with struggling teams that match their talents (not necessarily just ones without current coaches). If clubs aren’t taking prolonged looks at these five, they should. Before somebody else does.

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Written by The 91st

The folks over at Kick TV have come up with something pretty unique for today: a short, quick video recalling some of some of Thierry Henry’s best moments in an Arsenal and Red Bulls jersey.

 

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Written by Will Parchman

hemingwaypilar

This was a fun project. For each MLS team, I’ve chosen a key contributor and tied his playing style to a literary luminary I respect in some fashion. It’s essentially pairing the playing style with a mix of writing style and lifestyle, which is imperfect but ended up lining up surprisingly well in some cases. Some of these are more absurd than others, but all are rooted in how I tend to view these guys when I watch them.

In the same way that coders sometimes view the world analytically, I tend to view it in words. Here are a few.

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Written by Will Parchman

“The motion carries with all members but commissioner Brummer and commissioner Edwards voting in the affirmative. Congratulations.”

With that, Orange County mayor Teresa Jacobs officially approved funding for a new stadium for Orlando City, removing the last major hurdle for the franchise to join MLS as its 21st team. Here you go, southeast. You have a Major League Soccer franchise again. And the cheers rose.

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