Written by Will Parchman


Over the weekend, John Oliver said some tremendously funny things about Sepp Blatter. You should watch them.

The basis of his quick two-minute diatribe revolved around the impending faux vote for FIFA president Sepp Blatter, which comes up in less than two weeks. Despite his latent sexism, reliance on pseudo-science to claim we are all genetically racist, claims that gays should “refrain from any sexual activities” in Qatar, his intimation that a transfer practice was akin to “modern slavery,” and any other laundry list of depressing factoids, Blatter will almost assuredly be reelected.

This may surprise you. And it should. Just last week, ESPN released a documentary on Blatter that laid bare many of the issues swirling around the man. You can now watch the entire thing on YouTube.

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Written by Will Parchman


In the wake of Arrigio Sacchi’s recent comments about “too many black players” in Italy, and the despicable actions of a group of racist Chelsea fans (one of which has a ridiculous circa-1990 high top fade), Sepp Blatter found his pants just in time to burst into a conversation nobody asked him to join.

Spin the Blatter wheel: is this article 1.) overtly tone deaf, 2.) subtly racist or 3.) comically over-stated. If you guessed all three, you get to be the new FIFA president. Congratulations.

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Written by Will Parchman


Sepp Blatter is quickly becoming a caricature of a real person. He says stupid things, like when he indirectly told women’s soccer players to “wear tighter shorts” in 2004. Or calling transfers “modern slavery” in 2008. Or positing that John Terry would’ve been “applauded” in Latin American countries for cheating on his wife with the ex-girlfriend of a teammate in 2010. Or telling gay soccer fans to “refrain from sexual activities” (out loud!) in regards to Qatar 2022. Or the fact that Qatar 2022 is a thing.

So anyway, Blatter is stupid, and it seems he’s getting stupider. This tweet actually happened on Friday.

Everything about this is breathtaking in scope. Everyone has a responsibility to act ethically (except your humble TWEETER EXTRAORDINAIRE). Football fans demand this (which proves he knows what he should be doing and simply isn’t). And, finally, the coup de grace, in bold font, million-point text, bulleted and written on the sky:

“FIFA has taken the lead.”

The pause here is either for you to stop laughing or crying, whichever you’re feeling today.

So anyway, that’s a stupid thing for Blatter to tweet. The only thing FIFA’s taken the lead on is embarrassing, tin ear PR moments and scheduling the next two World Cups in nations with questionable human rights histories. Otherwise, nah.

So as you might suspect, Twitter’s wonderful denizens swept into immediate action with a flurry of responses. They were pretty much all hyperbolic and ridiculous, but so is Blatter. So it fits. Here are my favorites. I’m not advocating for all these tweets, but, you know, the lulz are strong with these. And, of course, we start with a Hitler reference.

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Written by Will Parchman

In 1999, the NFL adopted coaching challenges. With the outcry over glaring missed calls soaring into the red, the league gave coaches the opportunity to challenge two close calls every game (this was expanded to a conditional third in 2004). The move has been roundly praised, but it should be noted that, as with all change in sport, a handful of the old guard were resistant.

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Written by Will Parchman

Hoo boy. This will not end well.

On Monday, England’s Telegraph ran with the scoop of the decade: former FIFA vice president Jack Warner may have accepted $1.2 million from a company controlled by a former Qatari soccer official just after the nation won its bid for the 2022 World Cup. That video is not a tacit admission that Warner is guilty, but how ironic is it that he’s walking into a local Trinidadian newspaper office as he’s harangued by a newspaper about impermissible benefits?

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Written by Will Parchman

Watch that video and tell me what you see.

Sepp Blatter is in Haiti on a much publicized CONCACAF tour, and the Blatter Experience was in full swing. Swaying through rutted dirt streets, shanties leaning over the crowded thoroughfares, Sepp swaggers through with a besuited entourage en route to a ribbon cutting. Stepping over and around the issue but never in it. The FIFA way.

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Written by The 91st


Make no mistake about: Sports Illustrated’s Most Powerful People in sports is not a place for the athlete. This about the figures that wield the ultimate power behind the scenes: owners, presidents, agents …

And when it comes to the true shot-callers in sports, soccer answers to no one. Here are the people who are affiliated with soccer and ranked and SI’s list.


3. Philip Anschutz, AEG owner (LA Galaxy, part owners of Houston Dynamo)

4. John Skipper, ESPN president, admitted soccer fan

6. Stan Kroenke, Kroenke Sports Enterprises owner (owns Arsenal, Colorado Rapids)

7. Mark Lazarus, NBC  Sports Chairman (NBC broadcasts MLS, EPL in the fall)

12. Robert Kraft, Patriots/Revolution owner

16. Sepp Blatter, FIFA President

21. Richard Scudamore, Premier League CEO

29. Glazer Family, Manchester United owners

36. Sheikh Mansour, Man City owner


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Written by Dill Pickle

The soccer world got all dressed up Monday for FIFA’s Ballon d’Or gala. People danced and sang and Messi’s suit broke out in a rash – it was good times all around.

Then the moment of truth arrived and the player of the year awards were announced. Hope Solo presented the Women’s World Player of the year to teammate Abby Wambach, who beat Alex Morgan and Marta for the honor. Marta was quoted as saying: Congrats on your ONE, Abby … I have FIVE (loosely translated).

Italy’s Fabio Cannavaro arrived to present the men’s award. The tension was thick … or was that just Sepp Blatter hogging stage space? When Messi was announced the winner, Cristiano Ronaldo sucked his teeth so loudly it created microphone feedback.

Ronaldo digested the news, connected the dots (on Messi’s suit) and there was applause and forced smiles. The end.


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Written by Reshad Bahadori

It’s about time Sepp!
My two least favorite arguments against technology in sports are that it will remove the human element from the game and that there is traditional value in the methods that have been used for years. This means that you are ok with a home run being called a foul ball, a touchdown catch being called out of bounds, a three being called a two, and a game-changing goal being taken away. I DON’T GET IT!

I guess I just have to come to terms with the fact that there are certain things in life that I will never get.

Things I don’t get:

    *Pizza box is a square. Pizza is a circle. Pizza slice is a triangle.*It’s called double-u even though it’s double-v. (W) 

    *Six Flags uses an old creepy dancing man to attract children.

    *The point of cursive.

Sorry, I blacked out for minute. The point is that soccer needs to stop being so afraid of change. It would take less than 2 minutes to review a goal and we can finally stop listening to those Bloody Brits complaining about Lampard’s disallowed goal in the World Cup. (which you can see after the jump)

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Written by Jahmal Corner

By Jahmal Corner

You hear that? It’s the growing chorus of opposition to penalty kicks. Like clockwork, soccer’s imperfect tiebreaker comes under fire every now and again, whenever a match we care about ends unceremoniously in PKs.

But this time the resistance seems to have some real clout, with Sepp Blatter commissioning the exploration of alternative ideas.

Hey Sepp, here’s an idea: LEAVE PENALTY KICKS ALONE! Unless, that is, you’re not a fan of can’t-take-your-eyes-off-the-screen-drama.

The truth is, for all of the moaning about the injustice of deciding a game in 1v1 fashion, penalty kicks are the most exciting five minutes in all of sports.

The next time you turn off the television as two teams prepare for penalty kicks will be the first. Because when it comes to entertainment value, PKs never disappoint. They consolidate much of what’s great about the game while eliminating the few things that aren’t (not enough action … teams play too defensively).

Is it fair? Well, is Brandi Chastain the soccer queen of the sports bra?

The answer is yes, people, yes. As long as both sides get the same opportunity to score we’re not breaching any code of fairness here. More importantly, having teams play on beyond a full 90 and an overtime may sound like a good idea until you’ve actually witnessed it (ever watched the Boston Marathon? I didn’t think so).

No thank you, I’d rather stick with penalty kicks. I love them, and so do you.


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