Written by Travis Clark

Pulisic

Readers of this space will surely know the name of Christian Pulisic already.

But if by same chance you didn’t, the 17-year-old from Hershey, PA is now a name on the lips of most U.S. Soccer fans after he made his Bundesliga debut on Saturday for Borussia Dortmund.

Named in the 18 for the second straight match of the second half of the Bundesliga season (called the Rückrunde), Pulisic came off the bench as a substitute in the 68th minute. While he didn’t produce any magical moments, Pulisic’s debut was solid, as he didn’t look out of place during his 20 minutes on the field.

In case you missed the game (a 2-0 win for Dortmund), check out a video of Pulisic’s touches below. He also did an English interview with Bundesliga TV after the game.

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Written by Will Parchman

In 1943, Abraham Maslow released his Hierarchy of Needs, a pyramid of etched social and psychological desires embedded into our consciousness from birth. At the top of the pyramid, morality, problem solving, spontaneity. In the midsection, sexual intimacy, family, friendship. At the bottom, in red ink, sex, sleep, breathing, excretion.

In 2002, ESPN released its EOE doc entitled “The Life – Landon Donovan.” Were Maslow alive to see it, he’d have realized that for the first time in recorded human history, a profile of a single man has, at once, fulfilled every human need. If looped on a continuous stream, the endpoints of the universe would bend toward the continuum and touch, creating an endless stream of black holes filled with Romulans with closely cropped bleach-blonde hair and an infinite number of Pablo Mastroenis butchering The Beatles’ “Blackbird” on a pock-marked, out-of-tune Fender acoustic.

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Written by Will Parchman

I used to think Gary Neville had the market cornered on the goalgasm. Not so. This is a pair of Croatian commentators losing their minds over a last-second goal that muscled Rijeka past Stuttgart and into the Europa League. It’s… kind of voyeuristic, isn’t it? If this is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

You be the judge. Here’s Neville’s call from Torres’ goal against Barca last year. Uncomfortable may be an understatement.

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Written by Will Parchman

Anson Dorrance has won 21 national championships at North Carolina. That includes last year. And if you’re not picking UNC as frontrunners again this year, you are probably operating without a head. So you might want to get that checked out. By Crystal Dunn. M.D.

Anyway, this is a behind-the-scenes look at the Tar Heels as they go for their title defense this year. A female version of Borussia Dortmund? You be the judge.

 

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Written by Will Parchman

Legia Warsaw fans know how to protest. After being slapped with a fine for alleged racism, the club’s fans put up a tifo that said “Ultra Extreme Fanatical Atmosphere” at a recent CL qualifier and then engulfed it in a wall of flame. Yikes.

The lost story of this is that Warsaw lost the ensuing game badly. But hey, fire and stuff.

 

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Written by Will Parchman

Qatar Airways is Barcelona’s kit sponsor, the first such arrangement in the club’s history. So it’s no surprise that the ads are beginning to roll out.

Admittedly, this one’s pretty cool. It envisions a Barcelona city in which Neymar kicks your luggage at you and Pique strangely has to work at customs while Iniesta paints walls with soccer balls. What did Pique do to piss off Qatar?

My biggest issue: how is Busquets not leading the Barcelona school of performing arts? You flub a line in Macbeth, hit the deck, writhe like your vocal chords just got snipped and then peek out to make sure everyone is really, really upset for you. When that fails, just kick everyone. Busquets is a natural already.

 

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Written by Will Parchman

Sometimes it’s nice to destroy England in a game of soccer. Like here, when the ladies U17s completely unraveled the English in Leicestershire on Sunday behind a masterful performance from Colorado dynamo Mallory Pugh, who scored twice. Taylor Racioppi, Michelle Xiao, Dorian Bailey and Frankie Tagliaferri, who’s just 14, also scored.

But hey, don’t take my word for it. Go watch. Beat-downs are always fun.

 

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Written by Will Parchman

Arsenal’s transfer window struggles are perpetual and wonderful. Like a young Magnolia Warbler molting in the summer. Hey we’re going to sign Higuain! Nah, no we’re not. That was actually indigestion. Whoa, here comes… I’m sorry, I can’t even feign like this Di Maria/Ozil thing makes more sense than Arsenal signing Thor.

Anyway, this video is awesome and funny and Arsene wears funny jackets.

 

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Written by Will Parchman

Guys, MLS needs you, apparently. After Juan Agudelo’s infamous snub last week (really?), we need to flood this thing with proper votes.

Gladly, this week’s is a closer call. For me it comes down to Rowe and Donovan, and my nod goes to Lando. The degree of difficulty was higher, and catching it on the run with bodies around him made it doubly impressive. When’s the last time Donovan hit a ball like that? Rowe had an English breakfast before he hit his.

That’s mine. Who are you taking?

 

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Written by Will Parchman

Carlo Cudicini is kind of a running joke in LA. When your MLS career is best summed up with a “what the hell is happening here” photo, I don’t know. Chelsea heaped on some unintentional scorn when its official Twitter handle referred to Crudicini (yeah, sorry) as a “legend” during the MLS All-Star Game festivities. Eek. Does that seem like a decade ago to you? Because it was.

So that’s why Jaime Penedo is receiving such joyous vuvuzela blasts as he rides to spell Cudicini… forever. The Panamanian produced this brilliant bit of cat-like scrambling skill in just his second ever MLS game to preserve a shutout in a 1-0 win over the Caps over the weekend.

Already better than Cudicini. And yet he’s still not the best keeper in LA. Mr. Kennedy is, somehow, still standing.

 

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